Boulder Newborn Session | Mama Stories
The pain that you’ve been feeling, can’t compare to the joy that’s coming. -Romans 8:18
I’ve taken a few minutes to think about this line from Romans 8:18 and how true this rings to motherhood. We are given such a gift with this role. It comes with hardship, pain, joy, love, laughter and everything both in between and on either side. Each experience is unique, each turn of events affects us each in a different way. In essence though, we are all on the same journey. Am I right? We want our children to feel safe, loved, protected. We want to instill the best qualities ensuring that these little tiny humans we have nurtured will grow into strong independent, self reliant and kind adults. From early on in my pregnancy until my daughter was about a year old, I felt pretty alone. I was struggling to find “normal” and wasn’t even exactly sure what that was. I was trying to adjust to this new role I was in and felt pretty confused and frustrated most days. At that time, I didn’t have this amazing birth community I have now. I didn’t know about all the facebook groups and local groups that I could join. I didn’t know there were resources for almost every ailment that comes with pregnancy and delivery. Pelvic Floor Specialist? I had no idea that it existed, it would have been so helpful for both delivery and after! Lactation Consultant? You mean to tell me that there are specialists you can see multiple times for this, not just the one time after you leave the hospital? I kept many of my truest feelings and experiences to myself and pushed forward. I wish I tried harder to find what I needed because I would have found that the resources are plentiful. Fast forward to today (5 years later), this is where Mama Stories Blog Series was born.
I invite you to follow along here for a new story each month. I have hand chosen these mammas to share their pregnancy and new motherhood stories here. I have had the honor to photograph them at some point in their journey and share what they have to say alongside their images. Thank you for trusting me to capture your experiences.
Want to share your story?
Sarah’s Story
“As I sit here breastfeeding my little one, reflecting on the journey to his arrival; I’m in awe. What an adventure it has been getting to this point and it’s only the beginning of our story.
Pregnancy glow, what glow? I was struck with migraines and nausea from the start. I had hoped that my migraines would stop during pregnancy but instead they started occurring more frequently. I spent many days of my first trimester on the floor bent over a trash can for hours upon hours. I questioned if I was strong enough; if I could get through the migraines and nausea without taking my prescriptions. Doubt and worry filled my mind. The migraines got so debilitating that I ended up having to leave my position at the University and stay home. I was in and out of the doctors office week 5, 7, 8, 9, and 12 to check-in on baby. I was so scared, I had lost complete control of my body. Why was I having such a difficult time? Migraine after migraine, I felt my body and mind getting weaker. Was this how my entire pregnancy was going to be? How many migraines was I going to have to endure? I was physically and emotionally exhausted. Nothing seemed to help, not the Tylenol, cold compresses, nothing. I felt hopeless. Everyone kept on telling me that it would get better, that once I hit the second trimester things would clear up. And luckily by week 17 the nausea stopped and my migraines began to happen less frequently. I could finally breathe and relax. I was able to get out of the house, I started going to prenatal yoga and the chiropractor, I saw family and friends, starting cooking (and eating!). I felt like myself again. Was I getting the glow?!
Week 20 came along and we had our anatomy scan. I was informed that I had two fibroids growing outside my uterus. An appointment was scheduled with my OB, we were told that in some cases women with fibroids experience intense pain and there was a chance I could go into preterm labor. A 34 week appointment was also made with a maternal fetal doctor to check-in on baby and my fibroids. I felt the worry creep it’s way back in - the panic - was baby boy going to make it full term? Was he going to continue to grow? Would the fibroids grow? Ahhh! So many questions. Again, I was left feeling out of control. I wanted to protect my little one, but there was nothing I could do but wait. This was so much easier for me to tell myself than to do. It’s crazy how much worry stirred up in my mind. The shower became my sanctuary; it was my time to let my emotions out - to get rid of the worry. Standing there, letting the hot water hit my back, tears running down my face I would sing to baby boy - “Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound...” waiting to feel him kick. A sweet reminder of the joy to come.
As my pregnancy progressed into the third trimester back and hip pain surfaced, hemorrhoids developed, and my hands and feet starting swelling. And I can’t forget about the Braxton-Hicks contractions coming and going every hour - the fibroids protruding from my belly with each one (our 34 week ultrasound showed that the fibroids had pretty much stayed the same size and baby boy was growing and healthy). I was starting to get very uncomfortable. Sleep became sparse - midnight epsom salt baths became more frequent. I felt tired and sadness started to set in. My body had really started to transform and I began wondering if it would ever be the same again. I was on track to gain over 50 pounds. I felt like I was losing myself. My body was no longer mine; nothing looked or felt the same.
As we neared week 37 I put a birth plan in place: an unmedicated vaginal birth - supported by my husband, mom, and doula. I knew the chance of pain would be high but like many women before me I believed I could get through it. I was told by friends and family not to get attached to my birth plan, that like a wedding things don’t always go as planned. And oh was that the truth for my labor and delivery.
It was a sunny cool Saturday morning, I was 39 weeks and 2 days and I woke to contractions; they felt different from the Braxton Hicks I’d been having. I rolled out of bed had a full glass of water and got in the tub. I soaked in a bath for around 15 minutes thinking like the times before the contractions would slow down and stop but this time they didn’t. My husband and I contacted our parents and my mom was on a direct flight out within a couple of hours. We spent the majority of the morning and early afternoon doing comfort measures: walking around, using our rebozo, resting, and eating. And then my knees hit the ground, I could no longer stand up during my contractions or talk. I had reached the 5-1-1 pattern. We decided to head to the hospital. Shortly after our arrival a nurse came in for a cervical exam; I was 3cm, 80% effaced and baby was at -2 station. I decided to return home to labor. By 7pm contractions picked up in intensity, mom had made it to our home, and it was time to head back to the hospital. I was in active labor at 5cm. I started feeling like I was going to faint so the attending OB started me on fluids. After a short time a migraine and nausea began. I found it difficult to speak, to see, to function. I felt horrible, my body was trembling and I couldn’t stop shaking. Another cervical exam was done and I was 6cm and 80% effaced. I looked at my doula and I asked for an epidural. Tears were streaming down my face. I couldn’t think straight with all the pain. After another cervical exam showed no change an IV of pitocin was started. After 6.5 hours of no cervical changes the OB suggested an IUPC to monitor the strength of my contractions; which were not proving strong enough to create any change in dilation and with baby still at -2 I opted for a c-section. Again tears filled my eyes. I felt disappointed in myself. I was so exhausted and in so much pain and discomfort. My husband, mom, and doula, were all there to support me in this moment. They reminded me that it was okay, that baby would soon be here. It was just a different way of bringing him into this world. I was prepped for surgery. Still very nauseous I was given medication to settle my stomach but I started vomiting right as it was was time to head back to the OR. Surgery began at 12:20pm and baby was born at 12:28pm. And this is when the journey truly began.
Recovering after a c-section has been more difficult than I could ever have imagined. I couldn’t get in and out of bed for days without help. Each movement caused sharp excruciating pain; a burning sensation that ran across my incision. I still looked 4 months pregnant and waddled to get around. No matter the pain, I still had to care for our newborn - breastfeeding every 2-2.5 hours. I was covered in spit up and breast milk. I was constantly crying and I couldn’t control the tears. Anytime someone asked how I was doing I would break down. I was overwhelmed; the pain, lack of sleep, self image issues while caring for our little one - it felt like too much to handle. And just like first trimester I questioned if I was strong enough? If I could get through it all? Once again, the shower became my refuge. This time repeating the mantra Aham Prema - I am love - over and over to myself.
What an experience it has been becoming a mama. So much beauty among the struggle. His cute button nose, perfectly pursed lips, and those big brown eyes. Staring at him for hours upon hours; catching that cute smile and giggles as he doses off. He is a daily reminder that all the pain I’ve endured, has been worth the joy I feel for him.”
Thank you Sarah, for sharing and thank you all for reading! If you’d like to follow along, I will be posting a new story in the last week of each month! Feel free to subscribe to get updates below! Also, if you are a new or expecting mamma, I’d love for you to join my Facebook group - Colorado New and Expecting Mamas. It’s a great resource for trusted birth professionals as well as other new and expecting moms throughout Colorado!